Wednesday, 2 May 2012

Me vs Jeans

I remember my first pair of jeans. They were electric blue, from Gap kids, and had an elasticated waist with a fake zipper and big button. I wore them every weekend with either my Gap hoodie or Next hoodie. One day the button fell off: devastating! That signalled the end of my tom-boy era, I think.

Years later, my love of hoodies and elasticated waists has not faltered, though I have adjusted my everyday preferences slightly: hoodies and body-con skirts (grown-up, heavily restrictive but still elastic-esque I suppose), though more favourably, hoodies and pyjama bottoms.

Unfortunately, I can't wear pyjamas to work, or anywhere outside really. Airports are OK. However, when I wore them out to the Co-Op I might as well have been wearing a Tulisa name-badge judging from the looks I got. Normally, I wouldn't really mind looking like FHMs sexiest, but this year my fave magazine* failed hard, and the looks I got were representative of that. Chavtastic.

Here's the thing: I need jeans because they are useful! I wish I didn't and they weren't.

My search for good jeans never ends. It sporadically 'ends' in tears, or with a miserable pricey purchase.

I've always had shape to my legs - by shape, I mean thunder thighs and muscly calves - and since the sad departure of my grubby jeans in my grubby kiddy era, I have had to cope with the nightmare of trying to find ones that, well, kind of fit my adult figure. Whatabitch.

In contrast to my legs and bum, my waist is small small. So I have this choice to make when I do buy jeans:

1) Tight tight tight tight tight eeeeeshk tight - then have a huge gaping gap at the base of my back. DRAUGHTY.

2) Tight tight TIGHT - pause - tight tiiiiight OMG TIGHT shit too tight shit shit - then frantically peel off like a molty molting snake and then get them stuck on heels and feet and then tread on alternate leg of jean and wobble and crash into mirror and try to fling and flick them off whilst blood circulation returns to thighs.


Before you dare suggest that ghastly JEGGING invention, I'll stop you and say NO they don't work either. Still super gapey and no loopholes for a belt- rubbish. Plus the name repulses me.

So, jean-makers. I wonder if you could make a pair of jeans which are pretty cool, can fit over the legs I actually need to be competitive in what I do and that I've worked hard for, and don't cause me severe physical and emotional trauma. Also, I don't want to flash my pants. I've heard that 7 For All Mankind may be the brand to provide the resolution to my conundrum, but ffs they're over £200.

Whatever, I'm getting back in my pjs.



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